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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DECEMBER 24, 2010
NORTH POLE SCHOOL DISTRICT
Because only 17 percent of children are grateful for their gifts, the North Pole School District has adopted a strategic plan, which launches several initiatives for Christmas, 2010.
CAPACITY MANAGEMENT
Families have told us they want predictability in their gift assignments. Unfortunately, our existing gift assignment plan results in excess demand for some gifts, and inadequate demand for others.
To create predictability and ensure excellence for all, the North Pole School District has adopted the True Rejoicing Under the Tree Holiday Gift Assignment Plan.
When TRUTHGAP takes effect, students in the northeast quadrant of the North Pole School District will be assigned new skis. Students in the northwest quadrant will be assigned an XBox 360 or Wii. Students in the southwest quadrant will be assigned a karaoke machine. Students in the southeast quadrant will be assigned wool socks. Students in the central area will be assigned an iPod, which they all must share with each other.
PLAY ALIGNMENT
Effective immediately, play will be guided by the North Pole School District's pacing plan. Children throughout the district will have the benefit of the same play experience on the same day. A child who has a playdate at a different house every day will not fall behind. Play alignment allows us to provide effective play-supervision coaching to parents.
Play alignment is not standardization. For instance, on Tuesdays, all North Pole children may be playing TROUBLE. Their play experience will be rich and diverse, based on the results of the Pop-O-Matic.
ELF QUALITY
The most important factor affecting a child’s happiness is the quality of elves making toys at the North Pole. Studies conducted by the Holiday Privatization Foundation have shown that children with highly-effective elves experience 1.5 years of joy in a single year, while children with ineffective elves experience only .5 years of joy.
Our new collective bargaining agreement with the elves union enables us to replace these problematic elves with altruistic college graduates, who -- although they have never produced actual gifts -- will manufacture superior skis, Nintendos and iPods (under the instruction of the experienced elves who have not yet been exited from the profession).
DATA-DRIVEN DECISION MAKING
Because children’s happiness cannot be enhanced without accurate, easily-understood data, the North Poll School District will frequently, carefully measure student happiness.
The District has awarded a $6.5 million no-bid contract for the Children’s Rejoicing Assessment of Progress. Children will not be allowed to study or play for approximately three-week periods during fall, winter and spring. School libraries and computer labs will be repurposed for continual administration of the CRAP test.
COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT
Because the happiness of children is our overarching goal, we will be reaching out to key stakeholders. We will work collaboratively with Wal-Mart, Target, Bank of America, JP Morgan Chase, Citigroup, Wells Fargo, the North Pole Roundtable, the League of Gift Givers, the Alliance for Joy and other institutions with superior understanding of happiness. We’re listening -- and open for business!
THE NEW NORTH POLE PUBLIC SCHOOLS:
EVERYONE HAPPY. EVERYONE ACCOUNTABLE. EXCELLENCE FOR ALL
Song of the Day 4/28: Henry Gross, “Shannon”
9 hours ago
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